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If I had my way… I’d run the world. I once said, “You know, I’m smart, I’m a good guy. I could rule the world, if you will.” That’s completely true: both the statement and the fact that I said it.

Yet, I’m not so arrogant as to think I could do this all on my own. I would for sure need a top-flight BoD (that’s Board of Directors for those of you not in the know), and so I found myself recently pondering whom exactly I would choose to be among my closest advisors.

Given that I myself am a mythical figure, I should not be forced to limit my choices to real people, and I won’t. Fictional characters and historical persons are most definitely fair game.

So, for starters, I’m just going to go out on a limb and call back my cousin Aaron. That guy was totally sweet and is by far the most underrated of the founding fathers. In addition to being a legitimate Revolutionary Way hero and a totally sweet Vice President who was actually robbed of the Presidency by that scoundrel Alexander Hamilton (and we all know who had the last laugh there), he also tried to make himself Emperor of Mexico and to cede a large chunk of the Louisiana Purchase for his own rule. Some considered him the Napoleon Bonaparte of the Americas, with slightly worse luck, but moral of the story, this guy and I were on the same page. It must be in the blood.

Next, I think we need someone who can bring a little bit of supernatural pizazz to the group. I considered Zeus, but he’s always come across as kind of a jerk (particularly when portrayed by Sean Bean in The Lightning Thief). Odin would also be pretty sweet, but Christianity totally dominated Norse culture, which doesn’t speak well to his staying power. Now, Dumbledore… He was pretty much the man. Albus was wise, powerful, and good-natured, but as Snape proved, he only had one life, which is not so sweet at all. This leaves one obvious choice: Gandalf. Totally sweet, check. Ability for reincarnation, check. Wise, check. Beloved by all not-evil people, check. Chill dude who likes to smoke the hobbits’ pipe weed, check. Sweet fireworks shows, check. This guy for sure needs to be at our weekend retreats. No doubt.

Now, what we lack at this point is real-life corporate experience, and by real-life, I mean in the movies. I see a few logical choices, most of whom are characters played by Michael Douglas or Alec Baldwin. However, I can’t honestly say I believe that any of them wouldn’t stab me in the back as part of a power play at first opportunity… and hey, more power to them, but I’m not having them in my Cabinet. Instead, my choice might surprise some of you, but I’m going with Brantley Foster/Carlton Whitfield from The Secret of My Success. He’s pretty much served as my idol since I first saw the movie in theatres in 1987. In addition to being a snappy dresser, Brantley/Carlton managed to go from working in the mailroom of a multi-national conglomerate to organizing a group of investors to back his hostile takeover of the company, all while taking down his uncle’s wife and the same uncle’s mistress and living two identities in the process. That is just the kind of on-your-feet thinking we need at Burr Global.

We are also going to need some inventive thinking, a la Alexander Graham Bell, but he’s boring, and honestly, what did that guy ever really do besides give us the line: “Like Ma Bell, I got the ill communication”? Anyway, Lucius Fox from the new Batman movies would be pretty sick, and he already has some managerial experience. However, he has always seemed to lack the bright-eyed optimism I need from this seat on the board. So I turn to Doc Brown from the Back to the Future trilogy. I mean, obviously, right? The only thing I would require of him would be unlimited use of the flying Delorean. That is simply non-negotiable. Frankly, my only reservation with Doc is doubling up on Michael J. Fox movies.

Reviewing our picks so far, I see one glaring weakness, and I must immediately apologize for my male egocentrism. I am vehemently opposed to the glass ceiling and in no way intend to impose one on running the world. I mean, women run my life, so why stop there? My first thought is to bring on my mom, who is also officially Wpromote’s #1 Fan, and her wise ways, but I lack the space here to list her many strengths and countless accolades so I am afraid, for the purposes of this blog, I must choose someone to whom a greater audience can relate. Princess Leia would be kind of awesome. She is a fox, a total badass, and is strong with the force. Check, check, and check. However, let’s remember that she already failed once to stop her home planet from getting totally dominated by the Death Star, which, uh, would be like my #1 goal as Earth’s leader, and she had some weird sexual tension with her brother, which is not cool. So she’s gone. Instead, I’m choosing Oprah. She brings pretty much everything we need to the table. Successful, self-made businesswoman. Relatable to the public. Widely admired. Seems like a generally good person. And narrates Life, which is the best thing since Planet Earth. Strong choice all around.

Finally, I need a strong finance guy, but I only have room for so many semi-clever remarks. I toyed with the notion of George Soros as we see eye-to-eye on a number of important political issues, but why mess around and not go straight to Warren Buffett? He’s got it all figured out, and I would admittedly be hoping that by inviting him to be on my board, he would tap me to take over at Berkshire Hathaway, which is probably larger than the world anyway.

So there. That’s my Board of Directors.

Oh, and of course, Mike Mothner. Go Wpro!


3 thoughts on “If I had my way… Part 3
  1. Jesse says:

    Anne Christian Burr! #1 Fan!

  2. John says:

    This was a good read. I’ll be honest, I had to Google a few of these names… But Gandalf was a solid choice.

  3. Matthew Burr says:

    I should also have included Ramirez, Sean Connery’s character, from Highlander. That was a huge oversight. My bad.

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