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To be clear, Wpromote is in no way saying that murder is acceptable or something one should do. Also, the views expressed in this post are solely those of Dom. While usually this statement is supplied in the cases when people are offended, so that those people know who to send their disapproval towards, the previous statement is also there so you know who to send your praise towards. Quick recap: if you hate it, let him know (that bastard); if you love it, let him know (that delightful rapscallion).

On September 29th The Guardian, a UK News source, reported that a family was sentence to prison (and various youth facilities) for plotting to kill their grandfather. Investigators recovered past searches, on Google, that the family made while plotting against their 89 year-old grandfather. Reportedly the searched phrases included:

  • “how to kill someone”
  • “10 easy ways to kill someone with no trace”
  • “can you kill someone with a punch?”
  • “easiest ways to kill old person”
  • “if you hit someone across the back of the head with a brick will they die or just get a bruise?”

Worst. Family. Ever.

Now, maybe it’s because I am in the search based industry, and the internet is basically my job provider, I couldn’t help but think…idiots! Don’t people know what not to do when planning a crime, and in particular, planning a murder? Apparently not. And that is why I have decided to put together…

5 Things to Avoid Doing on the Internet to Avoid Being a Suspect in a Murder Case

Clue Movie Poster

Great Movie About Murder

  1. Do not make a list titled, “5 Things to Avoid Doing on the Internet to Avoid Being a Suspect in a Murder Case.”
  2. Do not search phrases like “how to kill someone” or Clue-like weapon-related phrases such as “lead pipe,” “pistols,” “head-bashing candlestick” and “rope for hanging people”. Plus, searches for odd weapons like the 3 sided boomerangs would also be quite suspicious in one’s search history. (Note: if you forget this rule and end-up doing some late night drunken murder searches, try to remember to clear your search history.)
  3. Do not create a suggestively violent email for yourself. This means I wouldn’t use explodingdomomite@gmail.com, domkevorkian@gmail.com or imurderfools@gmail.com.
  4. Do not create a blogspot blog with the url, www.bloodspot.blogspot.com which simply consists of pictures of blood spots on objects such as clothing, rugs and Van Dam in the movie Bloodsport.
  5. Do not always follow the rules. Occasionally, break these rules. It’s too suspicious if you never search for violent things, or create a sweet Van Dam related blog. It’s only human to think horrible thoughts. Wait…I didn’t mean human. I meant reptilian. Wait…I didn’t mean reptilian. I meant republican. Political zing!

I know, I know. It’s getting harder to get away with murder these days. But if you follow these basic rules, you can at least give yourself a murderer’s chance. Good luck!

Comments

5 thoughts on “Murdering People: The Google-Safe Way
  1. Dan P says:

    remember that time that your name was bringing up images of mugshots for criminals. I know longer doubt this about you. they were you all along. Must of been a Nick Cage Face/off moment

  2. John says:

    I found this post when searching for “easiest way to murder dom gazzuolo” – thanks for the pointers!

    What are you up to later?

  3. Dom says:

    Hey Dan-o! This was the post you were referring to: Google Wants Me to be a Sex Offender

    http://gggazzuolo.com/2010/08/30/google-wants-me-to-be-a-sex-offender-in-georgia/

    It was quickly followed up by: Google is Always Watching

    http://gggazzuolo.com/2010/08/31/google-is-always-watching/

  4. BK King says:

    it puts the lotion on it’s skin!

  5. Ranking second on Google for “Murdering People”, nicely done Dom!

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